Larry's Top Tens

Top Ten Signs You Have Radiation Poisoning

Wow, five months since I last posted a Top 10 list. Here are my entries for the most recent Late Show Top Ten Contest.

Someday Alice... someday Alice! bang! zoom! a Late Show Top Ten T-Shirt!

Top Ten Signs You Have Radiation Poisoning

Your Girlfriends all tell you that you are glowing and you're not even pregnant
You Burp Neutrons
It burns when you pee... everything your pee touches that is
You have a warm tingly feeling all over, but haven't done any good deeds recently
The fly on your pants has mutated
Fits of Rage turn you into a Green Behemoth
The colleague you've met for lunch starts mumbling "The vessel with the pestle has the pellet with the poison. The flagon with a dragon has the brew that is true..."
You've developed Male-Pattern-Deadness
That's the fourth person with a pacemaker today to suddenly keel over dead when you walk by

And The Number One Sign You Have Radiation Poisoning...
You've recently made disparaging remarks about Vladimir Putin

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is Headed For A Break-Up

WOW it's been a long time since my last Top Ten!
Here is another David Letterman Top Ten Contest inspired one!

Top Ten Signs Your Relationship Is Headed For A Break-Up

Find your hand Superglued to the remote.
Meals suddenly have that home-cooked Strychnine taste.
He not only agrees to carry your purse in public, but wants to wear your shoes as well.
Suddenly wonders what kind of couple you and her friend Kim would make.
You suggest a weekend getaway. They say: "fine, see you Monday"
Your favorite recliner is sitting on the curb.
You finally agree to dinner with the parents, but she informs you they both died over a year ago.
Every other sentence starts with "At least my ex used to..."
You suggest making plans for next Summer. They suggest making plans for next Hour.
You wonder aloud how good "Break-Up-Sex" is. They inform you "not very good."

Top Ten Signs Harry Potter Is Getting Older

Here is a Top Ten that got lost for awhile, the David Letterman contest was a few weeks ago and I had only composed a Top Eight, so today I have quickly scribbled in two more (2 and 3 if you must know).

On with the Top Ten (official Letterman winners below Larry's Top Ten)

Top Ten Signs Harry Potter Is Getting Older

Magic Wand now used as a Walking Cane
New Foe: Sciatica
Can’t get through a major incantation without having to go to the bathroom
Drones on about how in his day, magic wands weren’t pre-made, no-sir-ree, you had to make your own out of bramble branches that you had to gnaw down to the right shape with your bare teeth, and not just any old bramble branches, but…
Prefers to watch Quidditch matches on the telly from a La-Z-Boy
Now refers to Herminie as “That Tease”
New Nickname: Harry Potbelly
Constantly talks about the benefits to deregulating the Magic industry
Has to hide crotch region whenever Herminie leans in too close to him

And The Number One Sign Harry Potter I Getting Older
Magic Wand won’t work without a little Viagra

David Letterman Winners
Top Ten Signs Harry Potter Is Getting Older

Uses the invisilibity cloak to conceal his stash of porn and beer
Emma J., Mount Sterling, KY
Instead of using wand for casting spells, uses it for Botox injections
Rachel J., Manahawkin, NJ
Spends three chapters trying to conjure a fake ID
Dave A., Washington, DC
Using all of his power to stop Social Security from disappearing
Ben C., Daytona Beach, FL
Can't get a date with Demi Moore
Diana O., Vancouver, BC
His collection of magic potions strangely resembles a six-pack of Guiness
Karl P., Altoona, PA
Next book: "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of High Cholesterol”
Jim W., Hopkin, SC
Made the Statue of Liberty disappear in hopes of banging Claudia Schiffer
Curt P., Birmingham, AL
Found out he has more than one magic wand
Joe F., Altoona, PA
Doesn't get invited to Neverland Ranch anymore
Trevor C., Spaniard's Bay, NL

Top Ten Worst Ways To Inform Someone A Loved One Has Died

Leave body in living room on hospital gurney with feet and toe tag exposed.
Game of 20 Questions
Start reminiscing and always refer to the recently departed in the past tense until you are asked why initiating a long and awkward silence…
Ask whether Loved One is dead or Canadian knowing full well they’re not Canadian
Trick them into going to the morgue on the pretext it’s a college fraternity initiation rite.
Invite them to a private “Weekend at Bernie’s” screening and have their love one seated up front and center.
Mail body parts one at time until they guess who
Make sure they watch Fox’s upcoming: America’s Most Funny Accidental Deaths.
Have UPS guy deliver head stone for upcoming funeral to their house

And The Number One Worst Way To Inform Someone A Loved One Has Died
Last item on grocery list: get body bag for Grandma

Top Ten Reasons Your Clone Hates You

Seems all you really needed were a set of testes after loosing them in a freak accident to the hood ornament of a ’56 Desoto.
Make him attend all your in-law’s dinners in your place
You skip town leaving him all your student loans
Every time he walks into the room you yell: “stop copying me!”
Had the four-year-life-span option installed
Couldn’t afford a real surrogate mother so you used your neighbors’ hot-tub for a womb while they were on vacation.
Constant reminders not to hurt himself… you might need him for parts later.
Have you looked in a mirror lately??? Who wants to be a clone of that!
Had zippers installed over all the major organs

And The Number One Reason Your Clone Hates You
Found out he was nucleated from a sphincter muscle cell, seems you wanted to prove just how much of an asshole you could be.

Top Ten Cool Things About Being a Supreme Court Justice

(my entries for this week's David Letterman Top Ten Contest)

Now that you are one of the Supremes, Diana Ross will return your phone calls.
Can have the Death Penalty invoked for anyone taking your parking space
Supreme Gavel grants secret Supreme Super Powers
Well placed vents in Supreme Court provide refreshing breeze up Supreme Court robe.
Job for life man… TIME TO SLACK OFF!
Totally makes up for always getting picked last for team sports all through school
Sentencing Jimmy Weingert to life for wedgies he administered to you in Jr. High.
Realizes High School Yearbook prediction of: “Most likely to make life and death decisions for millions”
One step closer to being Super-Duper-Extreme-Ultimate Court Justice

And The Number One Cool Thing About Being a Supreme Court Justice
Meting out Supreme Justice… with your bare hands!

Top Ten Cool Things About Being a Supreme Court Justice
Extras
Righting wrongs and fighting injustice… just kidding, it’s about making your politically selected extreme views the law of the land!
Prelude to “Nah nah n’nah nah” session with mother-in-law who predicted you’d never amount to anything.
No goddamn higher court is going to reverse a decision of yours again… EVER!

Addendum August 10, 2005
David Letterman Official Winners
Top Ten Cool Things About Being a Supreme Court Justice

Always get invited to the Bush twins' keggers
William V., Brooklyn Park, MN
Taco Bell automatically upgrades your tacos to Taco Supremes
Mike K., Overland Park, KS
All of the babes who want to "handle your briefs"
Bruce C., Belmont, CA
That gavel can really tenderize meat
Paul C., Norton, MA
Judging wet t-shirt contests on the weekend
Jim W., Hopkins, SC
Parking ticket? Yeah! Right!
Karey C., Lakeland, FL
Standing over subway grates make for cool "Marilyn Monroe" moments
Dave F., Plainview, NY
Direct access to Judge Judy, just in case you can't decide
Mike S., Depew, NY
Ruth Bader Ginsburg's kick-ass NASCAR parties
Dave G., Harrisburg, PA
Black robe: Mandatory. Pants: Optional.
Mike W., Penfield, NY

Top Ten Stupidest Things To Do With A Time Machine

Go back in time to attend the premier of all six Star Wars movies in order.
Go forward in time just to see if Tom Cruise and Katie Holms really get married.
Go back in time to high school to give yourself advice on how to score with Gina Pollekowski.
Go back in time again to give yourself advice NOT to score with Gina Pollekowski, which leads to your and her eventual marriage.
Go forward in time so you can decide on whether to buy an Xbox-360 or wait for the Playstation-3
Go back in time to meet H.G. Wells in person… and convince him to write romance novels.
Go forward in time to attend your own funeral, with plans for leaving any missing or unsuitably grieved enough relatives out of your will.
Go 5, 10, and 15 minutes into the future just so you can sing Barbershop Quartet with yourself.
Go back 60 million years to the late Paleocene Epoch hunting for Lemurs (or any other prosimian species leading to apes).
Go back in time and prevent yourself from writing a “Top Ten Stupidest Things To Do With A Time Machine”

Today’s Top Ten is an all original (not from a David Letterman Top Ten Contest Category).
ALSO DON'T MISS -- "Alternate Top Ten Stupidest Things To Do With A Time Machine" below

One coworker I showed this to complained about scheduling problems with Number 3, the actual scheduling would be to go 15 minutes into the future, sing your assigned part, return to your own time, reset the machine (assuming this takes on the order of 5 minutes to do), go 10 minutes into the future, sing a new part, return to your own time ten minutes past, go forward 5 minutes and do the same again. Some versions of (fictional) time-travel assume you must return as much later in the past from where you started as you spent in the future, so assuming you can reset your time controls quickly enough, this method would allow for singing a song of approximately four minutes in length, leaving time to return and jump forward again.

One coworker complained Number 10 would not be a stupid thing to do with a time machine (he obsesses about Star Wars a little).

One coworker suggested Number 2 should be modified so that a Creationist goes back 60 million years to wipe out all prosimian (ape precursor) species to prove that Man will still exist without evolution – disproving evolution utterly. The fact that the world should only be 5,000 years old according to Creationism should be a tip off to the Creationist however that it would be a REALLY bad idea to execute this plan. Both the original and the suggested modified version are of course a much more extreme version of the time paradox of going back and shooting your farther before you are born (“conceived” for you nitpickers) – I have a friend who claims to have done just exactly this (though he won’t show me his time-machine) and the only change to history he claims was that the milkman moved in with his mom shortly after the shooting.

One coworker (initials A.C. [not: anonymous coward]) felt motivated enough to create his own: alternate list, presented here unabridged (and possibly better than my own… *sniff*).

Alternate Top Ten Stupidest Things To Do With A Time Machine

Go forward in time to your next three high school reunions just so everyone can comment on how young you look.
Go back to your own kitchen last night around 1 AM and check the counter. Then do the same for the night before, and the night before that, and so on back to infancy. If nothing else in your life is perfect, at least you can say you've never ever left a carton of milk out to spoil.
Too lazy to do a timecard correction, easier to just go back and work last Friday like you said you did.
Keep going forward in time until you discover a new "Dark Ages" for humanity. Spend rest of life there just to feel justified complaining about how much better things were back in your day.
Since mirrors lie, go back five minutes and meet yourself to see if you really do have a fat butt.
Go back to the fifth grade and sabotage Timmy Burbank's volcano. That science fair prize should have been yours!
Go into the future and get a sports almanac, use it to make sure you only watch the games where your team actually wins.
Remember that place with the terrific pizza that burned down last year? I just went back in time, snuck in the back, and snagged a bunch of their pizzas! Hmm, must have accidentally dropped my cigarette while I was leaving. Oh well.
It's a lot of work, but you can become the golden child of the Psychic Friends Network.

And the number 1 stupid thing to do with a time machine...
Fulfill your Christmas wish from when you were six by going back and giving yourself a ray-gun for Christmas (fully functional, military grade, circa 2070)

Top Ten Lesser Well Known Horsemen Of The Apocalypse

Horseman of Amateur Heavy Metal
His victims belt out mostly unintelligible words and profanities in styles copied from Metalica, Megadeth & Pantera. Death usually passes over HoAHM’s victims, as most of them didn’t have a life before being harvested.
Horseman of Lazy Rude Disrespectful Children
HoLRDC got his start in the middle of the Victorian era and it has only been upward for him since. HoLRDC has had to pace himself however, making sure to only corrupt each new generation a little more than the last. How long can he keep his streak going? The other horsemen formed a pool over 150 years ago and all have seen their target dates come and go. Pestilence predicted the latest date of 1980 and felt he was a shoo in with the advent of Elvis and just a little latter the sexual revolution of the Flower Power generation, but no -- HoLRDC has continued to best himself every generation since he started. Despite predictions by many that HoLRDC’s proclaimed law of More-Lazy-Rude-and-Disrespectful couldn’t hold for many more generations, HoLRDC has always confounded the experts by finding new means of corrupting the young to greater and greater degrees, often relying on technology to do so.
Horseman of Congressional Inquiry
This horseman is a triple threat causing pain and suffering for the Congressmen that summon him, the victims they sacrifice to him, and the constituency forced to watch. The irony being that whatever political side summons HoCI they always think they will be unscathed by the forces they unleash, leading to an unending cycle of one side after the other summoning him.
Horseman of Unsolicited Advertising
Once an almost unknown player in the saga of human suffering, HoUA has seen huge gains in his ability to inflict suffering with the advent of the Internet. No longer content to send gaudy bulk rate junk mail, HoUA now interferes with just about every aspect of our computerized and interconnect way of life. Should his power increase he may make a bid to displace either Famine or Pestilence as one of the four poster-boy Horsemen Of The Apocalypse.
Horseman of Whole Life Insurance
One of the most stealthy of all the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, he has an army of drone like followers to do his bidding. Only after years of deprivation do his victims realize he has left them a pittance compared to the retirement income they could have had, had they invested in stocks, bonds or a 401K instead.
Horseman of Computer Obsolescence
A relative newcomer to the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, HoCO studied at the feet of the Horseman of Planned Obsolescence whose hay-day was in the Fifties and Sixties. Unlike HoPO, HoCO doesn’t create shoddy items that break with little wear or tear, but instead creates newer, better, faster models every few weeks. Instead of forcing his victims to buy new replacement appliances and cars for ones that have expired, HoCO tortures his victims with feelings of inferiority until they can no longer stand it and rush out to buy the latest model -- even when all they use their current still fully functional computers for is to balance a check book or keep cooking recipes.
Horseman of Bad Hair Cuts
This horseman use to be almost universally ignored even as he inflicted his malice far and wide -- no one seemed to notice bad hair when everyone had bad hair. These days HoBHC has learned to be selective. By only practicing his craft sporadically through out his victim’s lives has he found he can maximize their suffering. This has also made room for a new apprentice: Horseman of The Bad Hair Day.
Horseman of Inappropriate Office Behavior
This horseman has reinvented himself several times. Once known as The Horseman of Inappropriate Sexual Advances in the Office and later as The Horseman of Political Correctness, his most recent former incarnation being The Horseman formerly known as HoPC. HoIOB thrives in the new repressive office environment his former incarnations have led to and now strives to define new means for people to give offense where none is intended. While no new incarnation is planned or needed HoIOB has been pondering a name change to Horseman of @#&*! -- pronounced with the sound of a cheek being slapped.
Horseman of Entertainment Disguised as News
HoEDaN had a brief rise in stature at the end of the 19th Century when newspapers published knowingly false articles in order to spur sales. He had been on the wane until most recently, but has had a meteoric rise and comeback with the spread of cable television. HoEDaN hasn’t just been content to corrupt the accurate reporting of news by corporations that have cross-promotional ties to plug, but was instrumental in the inspiration to create the Infomercial – an achievement he considers his crowning glory.
Horseman of Unnecessary Medical Procedures
This horseman use to have little to do except to follow HoIA (Horseman of Inflamed Appendix) around. Now he is one of the most overworked horsemen in the trade. Somewhere in the early Twentieth Century he asked himself the following simple question: Are people vain enough to subject themselves to pain and mutilation in order to pursue bodily perfection? The results are legendary. Not content to rest on his laurels however HoUMP saw that progress in the diagnoses of disease could lead to treating every minor malady as if its suffers where on the brink of death. Tests could lead to more tests that could lead to more tests in an escalating orgy of blood samples, X-Rays, CAT scans, PET scans, biopsies and exploratory surgeries. Now his suffers not only suffer the pain of procedure recovery, but the pain of financial ruin as well in many cases. HoUMP is one of the few horsemen to be in direct conflict with another horseman: The Horseman of the HMO.